


Love Is Like That

by Brainboxy (Pixichan)



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Coming Out, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-10 02:07:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7826056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pixichan/pseuds/Brainboxy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Youngjae's spent his whole life thinking he was broken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Is Like That

**Author's Note:**

> Reposted.

Youngjae stared down at his drink on the table in the eerily quiet dorm, Daehyun sitting across from him, sipping at his own drink. It was three a.m., and the other members were all out visiting their families for a little since they were on break. He himself had gotten home that afternoon, because he knew Daehyun had stayed in the dorm rather than taking the long journey back to Busan, and so he wanted to be there with his friend.  _ Friend. _ They were so close that Youngjae had a hard time believing he had lived a happy life before the elder came sauntering into it with that stupid smile of his and that cute Busan accent. It was weird to call things cute sometimes. It was like the word meant something different to him than to everyone else.

It was one of those night, where they would stay up talking about their worries and troubles, telling funny stories and chatting about their lives. Daehyun once said he thought you didn't know someone well until you talked to them at three a.m., when all the inhibitions were gone and all the emotions came out. It had sounded cheesy he said it, and it still did, but it held a large modem of truth. You can learn so much about a person in these conversations, and every B.A.P member could probably say they had had a conversation like this with every other member at least once. It had even happened as an entire group a couple times, but that was different. It felt different. It was so much more intimate when it was one on one. Those silences filled with mental debates concerning  _ should I say it or are we not to that point yet _ . But at the same time it was comfortable, as they swallowed down emotions that threatened to pile up and instead talked their way through the world. They had been silent for some time now, after Daehyun had tried to strike up a conversation about how pretty a couple of the fans he had seen at the concert were, only to see Youngjae was entirely uninterested and uncomfortable, as much as the younger tried to respond. It was always like this. Youngjae never wanted to talk about girls, but that was okay because usually the members would rather talk about aliens or anime, but sometimes things made people wonder.

"You saw Peniel a couple days ago, right?" Daehyun asked him to break the long pause, unable to stop himself and knowing very well that they were  _ there _ . He and Youngjae had talked like this so many times that it was hard to believe what he planned on asking would be too far. "Did he look well?" He asked when Youngjae nodded.

"A bit skinny." Youngjae answered. "But he said he was doing well."

Daehyun nodded, letting the silence embrace them for a little while longer before he was willing to ask the question that might change things, playing with his fingers for a bit before he looked at the man he had fallen for and risked asking, "do you like him? Don't pull any of that 'yeah he's my friend' nonsense, you know what I mean."

If it had been anyone else Youngjae would have gotten angry and left. If it had been any other time, any other situation, he would have. But this was comfortable. This was three a.m. in an empty dorm room with the best friend he had ever had, the person he felt he could trust with this information, and so he shook his head. "Not really." He mumbled, not defending that he didn't like boys or worrying that Daehyun thought he did. Maybe he didn't like boys, he didn't know.

"Do you have a crush on anyone then?" Daehyun asked casually, and if it had been any other time Youngjae would have brushed it off.

Youngjae was silent for a long time and Daehyun knew that meant it was time for one of the younger's secrets to come out, much as many of his had maybe a half hour earlier. "I don't know." Youngjae answered, his voice soft and confused as he stared at the ground.

"Why don't you know?" Daehyun asked, confusion in his voice.

Youngjae shrugged a bit, looking over to his best friend and trying to play it off. "I just don't. It's not a big deal I just never..." He was silent for a minute or two before he spoke. "I don't think I get crushes." He said quietly. "I don't know what they feel like."

Daehyun furrowed his brows, trying to think of a way to explain it. "It's like... you want to get to know them better than they know themselves. Like, sure, they're hot and you've definitely thought about like... doing it with them, but it gets to be more than that. You wanna get to know them in every way, to see them all the time. And when you think of them you can't stop smiling and it kind of makes you feel like an idiot, but in a good way. Suddenly you start feeling happy just because they exist, and you want to exist around them for as long as they'll let you." He hated that he knew what he was explaining was exactly what he felt for the younger man sitting across the table, now drawing his knees to his chest.

"Then maybe I don't get crushes." Youngjae mumbled. "I don't know." It was silent for a little while before Youngjae worked up the courage to say it. "I'm broken."

Any other time and Daehyun would have immediately responded with an 'of course not' but maybe that wasn't the right answer for right now. "Why do you think that?" He asked after licking his lips, an absent-minded habit of his.

Again it was silent as Youngjae tried to work out what he wanted to say. "I don't... I don't know." He was silent again for just a moment. "I don't really like girls." He said after a long time, quickly following it with a, "but I don't really like boys either. I mean, I wouldn't mind  _ dating _ someone, it was nice when I did it in the past, it's just... Just when she wanted to start  _ doing stuff _ I was never into it. I tried to be, but it was... I don't know, icky. Boring. I didn't want to and so I'd break away." He shrugged. "I'm broken."

Daehyun was silent for a moment, just one moment as he thought it over. "Maybe you're like, I don't know, asexual or something."

Youngjae shot his friend a look. The elder didn't seem to be joking, but how could a human be asexual. "I'm not a plant or bacteria, Daehyun. I can't reproduce with myself, and if your implying  _ that _ , I really have no interest in it either. I've never even done it, it always seemed too awkward." Youngjae's face turned red, feeling embarrassed when he realized he admitted another one of his deeply held secrets. Not only was he broken, but he also didn't masturbate. He thought he was a freak.

Daehyun only shook his head. "No, it's like, a thing. Like being gay or bi or something. It's like, you don't feel any attraction to anyone so you're asexual. I mean, like, if that's what you meant, maybe I'm misinterpreting..."

"Oh ." Youngjae stared at him, wide eyed an silent for a long time.  "Maybe..." _ ...I'm not broken? _

 

***   
  


 

"Hey, Jae?" Daehyun asked. The other had been silent for over a minute now, and he wasn't sure he hadn't fallen asleep, but he tried anyway. The were lying on their beds in the dark room, trying to let sleep hit them so they could be up at a semi normal hour in the morning. He got a soft hum in response and knew the other was still up. He had so many things he wanted to say, to ask, but maybe right now wasn't the right moment. No,it wasn't the right moment. "Uh, can I like...?"

Youngjae seemed to know what Daehyun was asking, since a second later Daehyun could see his shadowy figure as he stood up and wandered, teetering and tottering in his tired state, until he reached Daehyun's bed. "Last time you complained you were cold since my bed doesn't have all your extra blankets." Youngjae mumbled as Daehyun pulled him down into the bed so they could cuddle. This wasn't unusual for them, or for any of the members really; they all recognized that sometimes it was just nicer to sleep cuddled up with someone than alone. Daehyun had asked to sleep next to Youngjae enough times that it was odder to find them sleeping apart than together, and so Youngjae knew that it was just better if they slept in Daehyun's bed than his own. Once he was on the bed and under the covers, he found Daehyun's arms wrapped around him and a head burrowing a bit into his chest. Youngjae returned the embrace, playing with the elder's hair lightly in the way he knew would make him relax.

"You're the best." Daehyun mumbled softly, although Youngjae dismissed it as sleepy gratefulness.

He hummed softly, silent for a moment before he responded with a, "of course I am, how are you only realizing this now?" Which, as expected, got a little snort of a laugh out of the man curled up into him. They always worked around each other like this, in a symbiosis of knowing each other inside and out. It was scary, how well you could know someone. I was scary how much you could trust them.

"Shut up." Daehyun said without any force. "You know what I mean." It was silent for a long time and Youngjae realized Daehyun was probably thinking about something. Usually the younger was the one who would call Daehyun over to cuddle, or more often he'd just climb into Daehyun's bed and throw his arm around him, knowing the elder wouldn't mind. And even if it was Daehyun who would start it, he never  _ asked _ if it was okay unless his mind was stuck on something that was making him stressed or upset. The younger didn't say anything, only waiting. He knew it was better to wait and let Daehyun sort through what he wanted to say, because he knew Daehyun arguably  _ better _ than the back of his hand, or anything else for that matter. Youngjae knew a lot of things, but the thing he knew best was Jung Daehyun.

"Do you ever like someone..." Daehyun started, and Youngjae wondered if this conversation would take a turn towards things he didn't know well, "but you think it might not work if you dated?"  _ Oh. _ Well, Youngjae did know about that. "Like, on one hand, you know you could be perfect together, and you really,  _ really _ like them. But on the other hand, you get hung up on the only one thing that could be a problem, and your just scared that you could ruin everything over that?"

"Yeah." Youngjae breathed. "Yeah, I know what you mean." It wasn't just like that with Daehyun, so many times he would find someone he wanted to date, only to realize they would want such different things if they were dating. That being that they would want things he never wanted to do, and he would feel terrible and selfish for not giving up and doing those things. Sex was normal in a relationship, wasn't it? And most people wouldn't want a relationship without sex. Probably no one would, Youngjae thought. And so his unwillingness... it made him feel like there was no one for him. Who would want to date someone who wouldn't want to have sex? Again those thought rose up, even if there was a word for it, even if there were other people like him, maybe he was broken.

Daehyun caught his attention by pinching his side lightly, Youngjae yelped and was going to snap at him, when Daehyun stopped him with three words. "You aren't broken." It was silent for a second. "Every time you start thinking about it, you start shaking a bit like you might cry." He explained softly. Daehyun knew Youngjae better than Youngjae knew himself, and he took pride in it. "You're not broken, stop thinking that you are."

Youngjae gulped a bit, trying to push it out of his head because this was about Daehyun, not him. "I wasn't thinking that, don't worry." He lied. "Who is it? The person you like-- and why wouldn't it work?"

"It's just someone." Daehyun answered, "and it's just... I need to get over myself, that's why it won't work. Like, I'm too worried about what I need-- no, not even need-- I'm too worried about what I want. I know I won't be getting what I want and really that's the only thing stopping me from just telling him. I know he doesn't like me that way and I know he'll turn me down, but I just want to try, you know? Just because then I can get over him since I'll know for sure that he doesn't like me back."

"If you know he's going to say no anyway," Youngjae started, "why does it matter if you wouldn't get what you wanted? Stop being a baby and ask him out." He knew Daehyun wanted to hear some harsh comment like that, because often the older vocalist would know what he wanted to do, and would just be too nervous to do it until someone pushed him.

Youngjae was torn though. On the one hand, he didn't want Daehyun to be in a relationship with anyone else; he wanted Daehyun to himself. On the other hand, he knew it wouldn't work. They would want different things, and so he couldn't have Daehyun for himself. Daehyun wouldn't be happy with him, and above all, it was important to Youngjae that Daehyun was happy. And sure, it hurt a lot, and it would continue to hurt. It was like that a lot, but he had no claim to the older vocalist. He had no right. He would just have to move on.

"Do you ever think about dating someone?" Daehyun asked him after a long pause, when he had nearly fallen asleep again.

"Sometimes." Youngjae answered. "I like the idea of dating, and I liked being in a relationship but... I don't know, who'd want to be in a relationship with someone like me? It's not like... it's not like I'm going to have sex with them, right? So I'd just be miserable, spending the entire time being so selfish and knowing I wasn't giving my partner what they wanted. I don't even know what a serious relationship would look like, it would probably just be like friendship." He paused for moment or two before trying to answer more directly. "I think about dating someone sometimes, but I know it would never work out. I'll probably just end up alone."

"There are probably other ways to do things." Daehyun mumbled. "Ways without sex. Maybe, I don't know. You shouldn't think like that though, you shouldn't be so determined to spend the rest of your life unhappy."

"I'm not unhappy." Youngjae responded. "I have great friends who cuddle with me and laugh with me. Sure, I'd like more than that. I'd like innocent kisses and holding hands and dates and stuff, but my life isn't bad the way it is. Sometimes I look at happy couples and feel sad, but then I remember I have so many people that make me happy in my life, and then I think that maybe it doesn't matter. I'm okay with it, I think. It's not the worst thing I could think of."

"Don't you want more?"

"Yeah, but sometimes you have to accept that you won't get what you want."

  
  


***

  
  


It was about two weeks later that they finally had time again. They both had places to be, people to see, and the occasional schedule that the company would throw at them, and so time was limited. It was weird like this. It was weird when they weren't always side by side. Sure, even when they were, they didn't have time to talk, but at least they were together.

Daehyun sometimes thought about the way Youngjae's smile could light up an entire room. He had tried talking to Himchan about it once, about how Youngjae had that kind of happiness that was infectious to everyone around him, but Himchan only snorted and told him that he 'had it bad' and should just 'grow some balls and go for it already'. As much as he knew what Himchan meant, he pretended he didn't. It was so much easier to pretend, to be oblivious.

Love had a funny way of pulling people back in though, and for Daehyun it was constant. It was staring at Youngjae's brown hair as it twinkled with reds in the light; it was nights spent awake, debating whether it was worth it to risk waking up Youngjae just so he could get on his computer and do research; and it was moments where the world would stop and he would just be left their to marvel at Youngjae's wit, his intelligence, or his beauty.

It was like falling, forever and ever, just wondering when he would hit the ground-- if he would hit the ground. Because sometimes, it felt like he was flying instead.

It was that two weeks later, and they were sitting on the couch watching a movie together. Yongguk and Himchan had gone out for lunch, and Jongup had gone with Junhong to the skate park. Home alone again, they found themselves cuddled on the couch, Youngjae sitting between Daehyun's legs with his back leaning up against Daehyun's chest and Daehyun's arms around his waist. It was odd how comfortable it was, how simple and safe it felt to just sit there like that and watch some pointless romantic comedy that you knew the ending to from the start.

It was that scene in the movie where everything falls apart, before the leading man has to step up and put everything back together so the leading woman can admit she loves him back. Some cheesy love song played in the background as that leading man stood in the rain and stared at the sky. It was raining in reality too, the pitter-patter of raindrops against the windows making everything just feel so much more calm, even with the full blown sounds of Seoul playing full volume through the window. It wasn't that loud. It was all a soft hum, just as Daehyun's voice was when he finally spoke. Youngjae could feel the vibration of vocal cords against the back of his head before he registered Daehyun's honey vocals calling to him in softly spoken words. "I like you a lot." He had said.

Youngjae was silent for a long time pulling up to look back at Daehyun, who licked his lips to try and satiate the anxiety. He settled back down a second later, pulling Daehyun's arms to hug around his waist tighter. "I like you a lot too." He replied softly. He had no clue where this was going, he felt so comfortable and yet so uncomfortable but it was silent.

They didn't talk anymore after that. The movie ended and they stayed cuddled on the couch, Daehyun leaving one soft kiss in Youngjae's hair that made his heart pound and his stomach do flips. He did all that he could to stop a pleased and excited squeal from leaving his lips and just managed, instead leaning his head back to rest on Daehyun's shoulder and closing his eyes. He had so many questions he wanted to ask. Questions of what they were and what they'd become and how it would work, but he didn't speak. He sat still, instead, and enjoyed the silence and the peace. It was peaceful, oh so peaceful. And it was still comfortable here, in Daehyun's arms, with fingers trailing absentmindedly up and down his sides as if Daehyun just needed to remind himself that Youngjae was there with him.

It was silent until it was loud again, until people came to fill their silence and Youngjae and Daehyun felt the need to pull away from each other as much as they wanted to stay close. They were grounded with each other, and so even when Youngjae got up, Daehyun followed him and stayed connected in whatever way he could. Hugs from behind, soft brushing fingers, and ankles linked under the table kept them connected until the could meet sleep, in the same bed without words to acknowledge it.

And when they woke up in the morning it was still the same, them there, connected, on slightly less uncertain terms than they had been before.

  
  


***

  
  


Months past without explanation, without words with passed that 'I like you a lot'. Sometimes, when they were alone, Daehyun would start up though, kissing ever inch of Youngjae's face but his lips and whispering sweet nothings concerning just how perfect he thought Youngjae was and how much he needed him. And Youngjae was always floored, he could never figure out the proper response or what to even do. He'd just lay there and gulp, unable to help the smile and the blush across his face. But Daehyun never pushed it, never pushed him. The first time they had kissed on the lips was Youngjae's doing, just a soft peck before Daehyun headed out for the extra vocal training he had requested.

Those soft kisses were reserved though, few and far in between as Daehyun was always so worried he might push it too far. Youngjae was in control of when their lips met, and how long they stayed together. Their mouths never opened and it was never more than a few seconds, but it was nice. It was comfortable.

It became them, those soft kisses and sweet nothings. Never did they put a name to it, nor did they tell the others, but it was assumed. Daehyun had made himself out to be like a puppy, following Youngjae around with heart shaped eyes and endless little whispers of just how much Youngjae meant to him. Youngjae returned it with stupid jokes that could make Daehyun laugh hard enough to fall off his seat, and soft kisses that conveyed everything, however temporarily. A name to it all could ruin it, could shatter this symbiosis they had worked up in a matter of seconds. But even with their careful avoidance, Youngjae always worried that he wasn't enough. He wanted to be enough for Daehyun, but how could he be? How could he be perfect when those kisses were so far and in between even months after those words were said for the first time.

It had been a year, then, when they found themselves laying in bed together like any other night, but this time Youngjae faced it with nervous anticipation. He felt like he might puke, and not in a good way, but he wanted to be perfect for Daehyun. Their legs were tangled together and Daehyun had hid his face in Youngjae's shoulder, the younger vocalist stroking his back slowly as the both mulled over thoughts they had kept inside of them.

Before Daehyun could speak, Youngjae leaned forward, sealing their lips in another one of those gentle kisses that they sometimes got wrapped up in. But then Youngjae did something out of the ordinary and opened his lips, tentatively. He wanted to be good for Daehyun, he wanted to be enough for Daehyun, he wanted to be everything Daehyun cold ever want. Those words they said a year ago, those soft 'I like you a lot's, they had gained feeling and gained meaning beyond what he had thought possible. The older singer was hesitant, but eventually, with a great deal of caution, he let his tongue slide out to lick Youngjae's bottom lip and slide into his mouth. He could feel the way the younger singer tensed for just a second, and then seemed to concentrate hard on the kiss, and with open eyes Daehyun could tell Youngjae was too busy concentrating to enjoy it.

He pulled away, pecking Youngjae's lips ever so lightly instead, and hid his face in Youngjae's shoulder instead, to prevent Youngjae from trying again. "Daehyun." Youngjae whined, pulling the older vocalists hair until he relented and looked him in the eyes. "It's... It's okay. It's not too bad."

"You didn't like it." Daehyun answered, his voice calm and soft. "I don't want to do things you don't like." He let a hand come up to toy with a couple strands of Youngjae's hair. Youngjae had looked away now, staring at the small bit of bed separating them as his body started to shake. Why would Daehyun even want him? Why would he be so kind? There were so many people that could be better than him than some broken band member that couldn't even kiss him properly without-- "You aren't broken." Daehyun told him, stilling his thoughts. He must have been shaking again, that was how the older singer always knew Youngjae was thinking it.

"I don't want to  _ not _ do things you want to do." Youngjae said, unsure of how to phrase what he wanted to say. "I want to make you happy; I want to give you what you want."

Daehyun kissed his forehead, a soft smile gracing his lips. "You've already given me what I want, Youngjae. All I wanted was to tell you how much you mean to me. All I wanted was a chance to get to love you, in whatever way you'll let me."

"It shouldn't be a matter of letting you, it should be--" Daehyun cut Youngjae off with another chaste kiss before the thought could be finished.

"That is enough for me, Youngjae." He said softly. "Being able to kiss your lips freely, even innocently, is enough. Being able to lie in bed with you in my arms is enough. You don't need to worry about me not getting what I want, or not being happy, because what I want is to be in a romantic relationship with  _ you.  _ I don't care if it's sexual too or not, because  _ I love you _ . And that's always going to be enough for me."

It took Youngjae so long to respond because he couldn't find the right words and because he almost felt like crying. "I love you too."

"Then you don't need to worry about making me happy ever again," Daehyun promised, "because that's all I need."


End file.
